dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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