you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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