go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
