Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
