So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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