Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
