Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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