you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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