Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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