if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
