You made me cry and you don't even care
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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