I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
