Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Maybe he injected his testicle?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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