im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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