this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
