Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
