True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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