Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
