I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
