Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
