He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
