My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just want to make out with him forever
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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