did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
