did you get engaged???
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
you inspire me to be a worse person
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
