now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize