jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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