so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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