Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
