I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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