He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
