If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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