Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
