I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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