My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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