Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
