last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He keeps bees of course he's weird
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
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