I wannas sexs uuuuu
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
