I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
