it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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