Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm like, not good at living.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
