I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
