Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
