I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize