he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
