bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
