Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Randomize
