Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
