i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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