dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
