It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
