My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
