I met the friendliest cop last night
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
