He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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