if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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