1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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