you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
