I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
