I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
