OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
