So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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