I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
