I hate your face
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
